It's been about 2 years since Avengers: Endgame released in theaters, so here's a post I wrote about 2 years ago, but was too afraid to post.
“Origin Story”
July 22, 2019
I miss talking to you about comic book movies.
I was into cute guys,
But you were into story lines
And characters and alternate universes.
Alternate timelines
Where Bruce Wayne dies in the alley,
And the course of his parents lives change.
Thomas Wayne’s grief
Drives him to become Batman,
And Martha’s grief over her boy
Drives her mad, and she becomes the Joker.
I wish you were here
So we could talk about how
Loss
Is the catalyst that creates
Superheroes and supervillains
How the same tragedy
Can be the origin story
For a hero and a villain.
I lost you,
But I’m no hero or villain
Or anything super-
Unless being super broken
Is a thing.
I always thought of our wedding day
As our happy beginning-
Our origin story
That ended too soon.
Our story may be over,
But there are still new chapters
To write in mine.
I wish alternate universes were real
So I could believe that somewhere
There’s an alternate version of us
Living happily with all our dreams fulfilled
Where our story is just
Beginning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marvel movies and DC TV shows were one of Mike’s and my favorite things. I miss talking to him about them. I wish we could talk about Avengers: Endgame, which didn’t resolve Infinity War the way he thought it would based on his knowledge of comic books, but I think he would have liked what they did. I watched Endgame alone the first time I saw it in theatres, which I did on purpose because for so long that was our thing, and I didn’t want to share that with anyone else, not even Cory, who hadn’t even seen Infinity War yet, so there’s that. Cory and I eventually watched both Infinity War and Endgame together.
Without giving anything away, what I enjoyed most about Endgame was watching all the variety of ways the characters processed their grief. I could see myself in all them as I’ve been processing my grief. Much like the pre-snap and post-snap version of the Avengers world, my life will always be divided by Mike’s passing.
I realize that just as origin stories define the paths of heroes in comic books and movies and even though the same instance can create both a hero and a villain; Mike’s death can be both as well. I will always miss and love my first husband, but I can mourn for Mike and still love Cory. I can give into the depression caused by loss or I can live with the joy that I see around me.
