My First Widowed Birthday

I had planned to post my first blog on my birthday, but with work craziness and pre-birthday weekend fun, I figured I should postpone. Check out the About section to learn more about this writing project. 

Last Monday (Aug 13) was the beginning of a new year of life for me, but my life started over in June when my husband of five years died unexpectedly. For the past few weeks when I thought about my upcoming birthday I would cry because it would be my first without Mike, and sometimes I feel guilty for still being alive while he’s not. I know that’s irrational and that Mike would want me to keeping living and to be happy. And I am happy, but I miss him. Some of my favorite memories of our relationship are tied to my birthday. 

On my first birthday with him, he cooked me dinner and watched some of my favorite movies with me. We had a low-key celebration because I didn’t really want to celebrate because in May of that year (2011), my mom had the brain surgery that would ultimately leave her mentally and physically disabled.

After a year and a half of dating, he proposed to me on my second birthday celebration with him. His proposal is recorded in a Build-a-Bear, and I can still hear it six years later.

One year he organized a family dinner with my family at Red Lobster as a surprise that my dad unintentionally spoiled. 

For the last birthday we shared, he gave me a glass plaque etched with a special message to me, a sewing machine, and a lap desk. He did so much research on this lap desk even though I told him all I really wanted was one of those little lap desks that are just a bean bag attached to plastic, so that I could write in bed. 

He was already thinking about what he wanted to do for me this year, but I’ll never know what he would have done. I don’t even remember the plans we discussed. 

This year I celebrated over the weekend; and I had an amazing day of surprises and gifts, but for now I’m keeping those details to myself. Or at least off the internet. I’ll say this though: Mike would be really glad that my first birthday without him was so wonderful and that I was still able to enjoy it even though I missed him.

I like to make birthday resolutions in addition to New Year resolutions. I don’t really keep either, but every year I hope that I will. For my birthday resolution this year, I want to write a thank you note to a different person in my life every day. I’m already 3 days behind, but I will catch up this weekend. 

This is not where I expected to be at 34, but it’s where I am, and I’m doing the best I can.

Kimberly