Remind Me - My Fervent Prayer
Trigger Warning: Infertility, women’s health
Excerpt from “Remind Me” (Click title to read the whole poem)
Where have You been?
I’m sure You could ask me the same thing,
Except You already know the answer.
I know it’s been a while,
But I still can’t shake the disappointment
Of the last carefully worded prayer I whispered.
I know You’re not a genie
Who would twist my words
When You know my heart,
When You knew what I would I ask
Before I said the first word.
Maybe that’s why Your answer
Wounded me so deeply.
Was my mustard seed faith still too small to move my mountains?
Sometimes when I pray, it comes out as poetry. Last December I wrote a prayer poem called “Remind Me” that began as a thought in my head — whenever I wonder where God is, He just laughs and says “I could ask you the same thing.” At the end of the year, I was wrestling with faith a lot, so much so that I almost wanted to walk away from it altogether. Then, I heard Cory Asbury’s song “Kind” randomly on Spotify, and I fell in love with the song. When I first heard him sing: “For all the prayers, I’ve prayed, I still wonder if He’s real, and if He is how is He choosing who He does and doesn’t heal,” I felt seen because that expressed perfectly what’s been in my heart for years. I kept “Kind” on repeat for a month solid. Then, I branched out and listened to most of Asbury’s songs. Currently on repeat is his album To Love a Fool.
I keep a prayer journal, and I have since I was in high school/college. I write out prayers, scripture, and questions. It’s a form of worship for me. The image on this blog is the “carefully worded prayer” I mention in “Remind Me.” I scrawled these words during a church service about praying for miracles on May 15, 2022 - “My fervent prayer today is that my mom would be able to hold a grand child. That is the miracle I am asking from You today. Make me a mother and heal my mother. Heal us both.” When I reflected on it later, I remember thinking how ridiculous of me to think that I’d need to phrase the prayer perfectly as if I had to genie-proof it, so that God wouldn’t somehow swindle me. That somehow if my words weren’t exactly right, He wouldn’t already know what I was asking from Him.
A couple weeks later, my gynecologist’s office called me while I was in New York, and they found some pre-cancerous cells in an endometrial biopsy that I had done to see why my periods were so heavy. They wanted to get me back in right away, but I wasn’t going to be able to get back for a few more days. I met with a gynecological-oncologist shortly after my trip, and it turns out that the best treatment for my issue is to get pregnant. As it was explained to me, I had an overgrowing endometrium due to having never been pregnant. Left untreated this overgrowth could develop into endometrial cancer. My treatment options were to have a hysterectomy or treat with progestin via an IUD until the cancer risk is minimized enough, and then to focus on getting pregnant. Isn’t that the cruelest joke? The one thing my body can’t seem to do is the thing causing my potential undoing. Since the diagnosis, I’ve been getting an endometrial biopsy every three months, and thankfully they have all been normal so far.
I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I have a clear memory of this book I made in first grade where I drew a picture of me with like ten kids because we were supposed to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up. I’ve never lost that dream in all these years. My path to becoming a mother would be difficult, which is something I’d known for some time, and the cancer scare was a set-back, but there was still hope. Then, my mom passed away the following month - six weeks after my prayer. I don’t know if I can adequately express how it feels to see and know and believe what God can do, but seemingly not for you. Where is my miracle? Is my faith really so small, I’ve wondered. I know I’m not the only one who’s felt this and that’s part of why I’m writing this series.
Outwardly, I’ve been doing all the right things. I attended and served at church regularly. I co-led a Griefshare life group at church. I read the Bible and prayed almost daily, but I hit a breaking point toward the end of the year. It felt like God had broken my heart too many times, and I didn’t understand why. I’ve been fighting to remember that God is still good even though my life has been difficult at times. Part of the benefit of keeping a prayer journal is I can see how consistent I am, and the last entry in it is from November 6, 2023. I finally put to paper something I had been carrying since I lost my mom. I wrote: “How do I move on after my fervent prayer for a miracle was not answered as I hoped? I wanted my mother to live long enough to be able to meet one grandchild; and not only am I not pregnant, but she [my mom] died a month later. I want to surrender this to You, but I don’t know how. “
I still don’t know how, so I’ve been asking God to remind me of all the times that I saw Him clearly working. I’m trying to trust Him the best I can. I have journals full of what He’s done for me, and for the next few weeks, I’m going to unpack the stories in “Remind Me” and share a few other “prayer poems” that I’ve written over the years. You can read those poems here as I post them.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading, and I hope you’ll come back. One thing I feel I’ve been called to do recently is to stop hiding myself and to share my stories. So, if you like what you’re reading, feel free to comment and share with others. You can like my page on Facebook to get updates of when I post. Email subscriptions are not currently working, but I’m figuring that out.
Finally, if you’re on great terms with God and want to throw up a prayer for me, please pray that this is the year I become a mom. I’d really love to get pregnant with twins (boy and girl), so that I can fast track my family, but I really just want a family through any means. I have a lot of love to give, and I want to share that with a family. If I can pray for you, let me know.
Kimberly
