Remind Me - The Only One

Pictured above are college pictures of me from freshman to senior year. Had to take pictures from photo albums, so my apologies for the quality.

“Remind me of every time I asked You why no one thought I was beautiful
How You said even if You were the only one to see it, it wouldn’t be less true.” - from “Remind Me”

“The Only One” is among the first prayer poems I ever wrote, and I vividly remember crying in the study room of my dorm the whole time the poem spilled out of me. My sophomore year of college was the first time in my life that I actually felt so ugly that I didn’t believe anyone could ever love me. I always valued inner beauty more than outer beauty, but for the first time ever I felt I would never cultivate enough inner beauty to attract someone if my outside didn’t match. I was disappointed about being single, and I just wanted someone to love me. I cried a lot that year thinking that no one would ever think I was beautiful enough to fall in love with me. Then, on a November night, I sat with my journal, prayed, and wrote the poem below.

“The Only One” - November 19, 2003

Do you think I’m beautiful?

Of course I do.
Why would you ask such a thing?

Because when I look in the mirror
All I see is what’s wrong with me.

So, what’s wrong with you?

I’m not thin enough;
My hair is so frizzy;
My face is too round.
I’m just not pretty like the other girls.

Who said you weren’t pretty?

Everyone says it-
I hear it whispered in the magazine aisle.
It’s echoed on the television.
People say it with their actions-
Only pretty girls get asked out on dates.
Pretty girls get all the attention.

I never said you weren’t pretty.
I said you’re beautiful.

I know.

Don’t you believe me?

Yes, but it’s different with you.

Why?

Because You created me;
Of course You’d think I’m beautiful.

Why can’t you be satisfied with that?

Because You’re the only one.

And what if I am?
I am the final say in all things.
I say you’re beautiful
And it’s the truth no matter who believes it;
No matter who sees it.
So who are you going to believe,
Them or Me?

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Every time I read the line “Because You’re the only one,” my heart sinks a little bit. It’s the line that made me cry the most. Some small part of me is still and will probably always be that college sophomore crying in the study room. I still care more about being beautiful than looking beautiful, but part of shedding self-doubt is accepting compliments. I’m still working on it, because I’m quick to return a compliment with “thanks, but” insert whatever insecurity/criticism I’m currently focused on. I’ll probably always have a bit of doubt when someone says I’m beautiful, but when I complimented about anything, I’m trying to just say “thank you” and accept it.

Years later, the poem reminds me that we’re all born with a similar question on our hearts. For me at that specific moment, I asked if I was beautiful, but today my question would be different. Am I good enough? Do I matter? Am I valued? Am I still worthy of love? Will you still love me even with all my mistakes?

Whatever question is currently on your heart, remember that your value and your worth is not and has not ever been founded in what you do or what you accomplish. Your value and your worth come from who you are. You are good enough. You matter. You are valued. You are still worthy of love in spite of all your mistakes. And I’m not the only one who sees it either.