Beyond Love
The past few weeks have been hard for me. Every day I experience a different part of the grief cycle. Sometimes, I experience all the stages of grief in the same day. I'm stuck somewhere between anger, depression, and acceptance. It's like every day my heart breaks and gets stitched back together. Some days the stitches hold together well, and other days the seams rip easily. Sometimes, I can walk through life as if I never experienced this great loss, and other days it feels like this is the only thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm re-posting a blog that I wrote the month before I met Mike. I was single and content with every area of my life except for my singleness. I feel a lot of what I felt then in my current situation, and finding this archived post brought me some hope. I also still love new beginnings, which is why I love sunrises.
Originally posted on January 19, 2011:
I might be a couple of weeks behind everyone else in the world, but today is my new beginning. See, I believe in new beginnings, and I believe that you can have a new beginning any time you want--not just the beginning of the week, the first of the month, the beginning of the year, but any time that you decide to put aside the past, the hurts, the failures, and start fresh. That's what I've done, and what I'm doing. Happy new year to me!
My last two months of 2010 (with the exception of my awesome Vietnam trip) and my first few weeks of 2011 were less than ideal. If I may be transparent for a moment, I'm content with every area of my life except one. I trust God with every area of my life except one. Well, I go through phases where I'll trust Him, and then I get discouraged and discontented about it, and I'll take it back. It's been a struggle for me for a long time, and the last time I struggled this hard with it was my Sophomore year of college. That's where I've been since November. I was discouraged about this area, took it into my own hands, thinking that I knew better what I needed. Except this time, I fell really hard into my despair.
And at my lowest when I felt that I had fallen beyond love, beyond grace, this amazing thing happened. I had fallen so far that the only place to look was up. When I did, I found that God had not turned His back on me even though I had. When I said, "I've made a really big mess this time. I don't know what to do." His response was not to hold my mistakes over my head and say "I told you so." Instead, He whispered, "I know. It's okay. I'll take care of everything, just come here. Don't worry, you never could, never did, never will venture too far from Me that you can't find Me if you only look. And you'll never be beyond the scope of My love."
I've been so overwhelmed by His love lately. I find myself always searching for love everywhere and accepting counterfeits in its place. And I'm always asking "Is there anyone out there who will love me?" But maybe what I should do is ask "Who can I love today?" I know I'm not the only one searching for love even though it feels like it at times. So, I'm flipping the script today and starting over.
If you're out there feeling like you're beyond love, remember that no matter where you've been, what you've done, or how far you've fallen, God can make all things new, even and especially you.
